Love on my level.

I need someone that can love on my level. Let me explain...

I need someone who can love me with the same intensity, more or less, as me. See when I love, I love with all my heart, body, mind and soul. I don't want to say I deserve more or that I can do better because I still love my exes just not as much. For example I would have done anything for them. Now I would but not as much as I would have.

I guess my love scares people off. Like I expect them to love me like I do them. For them to love me with all their being. I don't really expect that. As long as the love is there and it grows. I don't want this to change in me.

Lots on my mind

I'm having a horrible time today. Money relationships and the what nots I got to get focused.

Headache

Yup I have one and it sucks.

Clubbing cont

Ok so I am done for tonight and I got really upset. I don't know exactly why I got upset but I wanted to stab someone. I was standing there and they were having a bacheloette and birthday boodie dance off. The announcer person was on the mic and was encouraging the audience and the dancers. Thats about the time I started to get pissed off. The announcer was being loud and the speakers were in my ear with them being loud it sounded as if the speakers were blown. But all that was in my ear. The wait staff were trying to stuff drinks down my gullet and annoying the HELL out of me.

I may continue this later I don't really know.

Clubbing

Yea so as I type this I am in a club with loud music and louder people. Being a not so social butterfly its very awkward being here. (My brother is dragging me to them so I'm stuck.)

To make things worse he is forcing me to drink. Well sorta... He is buying and what not so I get sucky shots and he's getting the good shit for himself. I guess I'll update ya'll later.

My future is mine.

Today while being a television zombie I watched Scrubs. It happened to be the last two shows ever. It was a very moving last two episodes. I wish I could watch the season in in its entirety. I'll search for it! Ok where are the tracks? Oh there they are!

Well while watching the last episode J.D. is very concerned about his future, as I am sometimes. He tries to figure out; where he will be, how tight his friend and he were going to be, where his relationship with his girlfriend was going to end up. (I think that was a proper use of a semicolon!!!! Yay me!) While dealing with this he had a patient who had a degenerative brain disease in which she will die. She had a son in which could have the same thing and J.D. implores him to get a test to see if he has it too.

The son does not opt for the test. When J.D. asks why the son replies that he wants to be in control of his life and knowing your going to have this disease he couldn't. I guess you'll have to watch the show. Its way better!

At the end J.D. realizes that he can control his future and make things happen and that whatever happens he'll be ok. That hit home to me. It made me realize that I am in control and that I can have a future. Ok I don't think I am making sense. I should have written this when it was fresh in my head and not eight and a half hours later.... Well that is all I got for today.

I guess I can put what I am listening to here too.

311 radio on Pandora may change to Incubus or big band radio...

Question Wednesday

Today I steal a friends question am answer theme. I guess I need to advertise more I have this one to answer yes its late but today is still a day till I go to sleep... So HA!

What is your favourite book or series? -- Chelsea

Well my favorite book would have to be two books. They are Lone Survivor by Marcus Luttrell and When a Bullet Hits Your Funny Bone by Billy Allmon. They are very moving and humorous. Marcus' book is a true story about a SEAL operation that he was on and how he became the only one to come out alive. Billy's book is more humorous but keeps the seriousness of the life of an United States Navy SEAL.

What I like about Marcus' book is that people put their lives on the line not for their personal gains but for the person next to them for people they never met and more for the country. I want to be more like that. I don't feel as if I'm on this earth to be all about me. I want to give back to the community and the country. That is part of the complex reasoning I want to become a doctor. I feel I can give back and help many others by becoming one. In Billy's book its the same thing.

Only in Billy's book I took from it that life is short and I need to get moving no matter what is thrown up in my way. It gave me the motivation to keep up what I am doing. To forge ahead on spite of what the VA tells me. It'll be tough but I'll be tougher, I'll warrior on to get where I want to be.

I tend to read fictional/real war stories those, however, are not really series or fantasy reading. For that I like the Harry Potter books. That is fun stuff to read! I picked up Sorcerer's Stone in like the ninth grade. Yeah a little late but at least I picked it up. Before that I hadn't read anything that I wasn't required to read. I guess it brought to my attention that hey reading is fun! Yeah it did that for me. Who, other than the very few, like reading required material for school? I didn't... That series of books passed many hours in a fantastic land of infinite possibilities. So from there I read many books.

Now next month will be filled with textbooks! Yay! But I kinda like whats coming up for classes. So I should be good! Well that is all for me tonight. Have a good night.

Brother

So my family had a cookout today and I didn't attend. I didn't want to attend. Usually I want to go and attend but today I just didn't. I'm not sure why.

I felt like my family is making a bigger deal of him being home than they have ever done for me. Being in a military family its understandable but hard to deal with. When I got out I didn't really get a homecoming. If I did I don't remember it at all. It is just really hard.

Today was a day!

Yay me! I went to talk to a doctor about becoming a doctor! Well sorta... Leme explain! Yay!

I am a veteran and I am trying to get the VA to pay for all of my school and there is A LOT of it. So I have to go into a veteran vocational rehabilitation office and request that they do this.

Being the government I cannot just get money to go to school. There are many steps to this process. Some of which I don't know and guess will not worry about until I come up upon them.

First they want to make sure that the job that the degree is suitable for me. You know so I don't get a political science degree and try my hand at acting. At first I wanted to do photography. The vocational rehabilitation people did not like that at all. They were always telling me about the market and how I wouldn't get a job after schooling. So I pulled out my second choice of career which is being a doctor. (I'll get into why doctor at a later date.)

In order to do that step they want me to interview or shadow a doctor. To shadow a doctor I must do many other things. There are forms, shots and a patient privacy thing I must go through. I, however, was able to talk to a doctor today and ask some questions and set me on a path that will get me to understand what its like to be a doctor.

So that path is going to be volunteering at the hospital! I think I asked the pertinent questions regarding what the vocational rehabilitation people want for now but I am going to go above and beyond that. I will be able to see what goes on and I guess prove to the vocational rehabilitation people that I want this badly. 

They also want me to look up the job descriptions of a doctor. Why I have no idea... Now I have to get in contact with vocational rehabilitation and tell them whats up. Oh and it took me a month or so to get to talk with a doctor! Fun stuff!

Sleep!

I need it. Good night!

Awkward

How come I'm so awkward with people? I've read that narcissistic people do better in job interviews. Could it be that I'm not narcissistic? I'm not confident either. Asked and answered...

Happiness

Today was a great day! Not a moment lost to sad thoughts. I went to the beach with my brother and his family. Jumped into the Atlantic fully clothed! Well no shoes and wallet safely ashore. Phone came along for the ride into the water. No worries though it's one of them waterproof ones. I'M ON IT RIGHT NOW! The only thing I had to do was get some water of of the ear location. Then in my state of wet sandiness I went to my appointment. Well the one I thought I had. Turned out I didn't have one.... but that's how my day went. How was yours?

Today (yup original)

So today I was talking to someone and they told me this, aim low hit high. Well not those exact words but close to it.

Now I always thought aim high. So if I miss I'd be better off than I was before. For example, aim for Mars so if I miss I hit the moon.

This all about my chosen career field and how tough it will be to get there. Yeah I know I'll have no social life much less a romantic relationship for the 8 years I'll be studying. Possibly 12 with my residency included. Life will be science and medicine with a little studio arts thrown in there.

It also struck me that I'm more of a mechanical thinker and not theory or what ever that type of learner/thinker. I know I can make it of I change all that I need to know into a mechanical way of looking at things. Everything will be changed to cars, pumps and sundry other mechanical things. I may even add in electro mechanical things.

I don't know what the future has exactly in store for me. I do know where I want to be though.

End

This portion intentionally left blank. 

Where would I like to be.

Yeah so yesterday I asked a friend where she would like to be. Now that I have some sleep behind me and I can think straight I will reask the question.

Where would you like to be? Not only in a physical sense but a mental one too.

For me I would like to be at peace in a peaceful world/place. With all the craziness going down all around me I would like to be able to take a pause and have a clear head enjoying myself. With nothing to worry about and nothing to think about.

I don't think I could do that right now. I have so much on my plate. Regular life issues like having no job and going to school to become a doctor. Then there's the issue of the ex. But thats all I'll talk about that.

But to the question... In a peaceful world with a peaceful mind is where I would like to be right now.

Once again I'm here

Yup I'm usually here when I'm sad but I don't know what I feel today. I feel ok most of the time but thoughts of suicide flash through my head like a bolt of lightning. I know I'll never act on those thoughts though. (Lots of th words today.) Also I guess I'll try to write one here once a week. Or more. Maybe less. I don't know.

I think I turned a corner the other day. I remembered a story about my x and I smiled. See I would have thoughts triggered by a place or thing and my first thought would be sad. The other day I was in the bathroom after a shower standing there brushing my hair and a trigger triggered a memory about a brush. Yeah random but this is my story Damn it! Anyway the brush is currently missing. The story goes a bit like this...

When we first started dating we would stay at hotels to get away in our small city. Well after a stay at one of the hotels she had forgotten to pack a brush for her hair and she was kinda in a panic. So we were at the car and i had to check out still so I ran back in to check out.

At this hotel they had a small "oh I forgotten something at home" area. So I  ran (ok more like walked) in there to find a brush. I grabbed the brush and purchased it on the spot.When I got the car I handed her the brush and she was so grateful.

I like to think that I would do anything for the one I love no matter what. (With exceptions like killing xes.) I hope I have not changed because of this break up or the way the relationship went.

The end....

Pills

I was thinking today why one group would want to deny coverage of the contraceptive pill but says nothing about the ED pills. Seems odd to deny a group and give to another without thought.

One day

One day I'll be ok with this....

Breakthrough?

Well today.... I've figured that I want to be ok with the end of the relationship. I don't want to forget or bury the memories. If I do that I'll be doomed to repeat history. Not just me anyone who does that. It's still tough. She's emailed me today. About a month after I emailed her last. It wasn't a desperation email either. It was an update on my life. I responded with that update and I guess I'm anxious about the reply. I'm not sure if it's going to set more back in the infection. I'll find out.

Path update

I am going to go for a double major and get an A.S. and an AAS.

Val

Yup so yesterday was Valentine's day. It is not fun being single and without for this day. Glad its the last major holiday that is celebrated. Its not fun having this "infection" going through the holidays...

Path to be

So I went to USC yesterday and figured out the path to doctorhoodness. I found out that I can major in anything I want! Great news because I do not want to learn stuff in a bio major that Jason nothing to do with humans. Plants do not interest me at all. Now to get the VA to pay for my undergraduate studies...

Bug death

I was thinking today about bugs and killing them. Yeah weird so what! But I was thinking do they know existence?

Infected

So it turns out that I am still infected with thoughts of the past. They sneak up on me too. Once I realize I am thinking about the past I try to focus on something else. Primarily trigger squeeze for shooting targets. No the target is not from my past but paper or clays I shoot at the range. I focus on the sighting and then the squeeze. I realize I do the same thing in therapy too.

In the first scenario it helps get my mind off of the thoughts I am having at that moment. It lasts for as long as I'm thinking about shooting. Then I am reset to whats at hand, which is usually driving. I don't focus to the point of distraction from the primary task. But it gets the thoughts out of the way.

For the second scenario I don't know why I do it exactly. Its probably to take me to a comfort zone. I'm not exactly comfortable in my sessions. But thats going to change as of now. It doesn't help that I am not all there all of the time.

If you could would you erase parts of your memory?

I'm on the fence about it. On the one hand I am all for it. The pain wouldn't be there to bother me. On the other I m not. No pain mo gain. Everything that happens to me is a part of me and helps me grow in life.

Lies

I realized the other day that I am lying to the person I don't need to lie to. Need to stop that like now. It's not a person that would mind if I did so its a bad but not bad thing.

Shadow

I want to shadow a physician. No need to for the vocational rehabilitation peeps. However, it is difficult. At Roper I need to know a doc to shadow a doc. Weird... I don't use their facilities so how am I supposed to know a doctor at their facilities?

I also asked the VA themselves but they focus more on the long term. That is not what I want to do. I want to do the emergency thing. I guess thats a no go then.

I still got two options to go to. There is Trident and MUSC. I hope one of them lets me shadow a doctor. I know I'll need a flu shot and a TB shot. Yay shots!

DAMN!

I weigh a freakin lot! My good cholesterol is low and my bad is up. Not cool if I plan on living forever...

So today I vow to get healthy. Kinda like a late resolution but much deeper and more dedicated. Fruit smoothies in the morning. Light oily fish for lunch and dinner I'll figure out. NO MORE FREAKING SODAS! Seriously.

Light jog in the morning. Sunrise on the beach or mid, late-afternoon jog. Just get it in there. Find time and dedication. Well wish me luck!

Got to stop

I got to stop thinking about the past. I don't want to relive it. Yea sure there are things that I would like back. but it's gone and I got to move on.

It's been difficult for me. But I'm getting better all the time. If there was a way to erase what I've experienced I don't think I'd do it. Everything that's happened to me makes me who I am.

Locks of love

I've decided that I'm going to grow out my hair to donate. What can I say? It easy and I'm lazy. Ten inches of hair here I come.  

I think I'll be able to reach that he the end of July. Good thing to because I have a feeling I'm not going to have liking my hair by then.

It's in my head.

There is a caveat to this. Wrote this yesterday then I lost the balls to post it. I'm an glad that I asked her though.

Ok lets see if I can write this. I've been thinking about this for a good day. Well not the whole day but when I get a chance to think. It didn't really start today either but from last year. But it picked up the past couple days. Ok one more line then I'll get to it very vaguely.

Should I take the plunge and see if something could work out or should I wait until life gets a little better/calmer. Or until the distance (physical) shrinks.

You know what? Vague is not going to work. So here it is. It's the age old dilemma. Boy meets girl (or vise versa) and they are friends. Then boy or girl thinks there could be more. Meanwhile the thinking party doesn't know if the feelings are mutual and doesn't want the friendship to collapse. So the thinker agonies over it. Well maybe not agonies but you get the point. Or regrets not saying anything.

Now I do believe, now that I've matured a little, that friendships of the opposite sex are possible. Saying that it has to be clear to both parties that there is more or less. It also may need to be stated more than once. (Someone might forget.)

I've done this before in high school. I had a crush on female friend and wanted more. (It might have been lust at the time.) However,I didn't know if the feelings were mutual. So in my guy smartness I didn't do anything about it. Oh and she was the first girl I have ever gotten to know outside of school that wasn't together with my brother.

Do I regret not saying anything? Not really. I have many regrets from that time. One is not being confident enough. I still have problems with that to this day. 

I don't know what to do with this one. Part of me wants to find out of there could be more. The other just likes it where it is. Then there is the distance thing. It sucks greatly. I've done that with my first relationship. I'd admit we weren't the strongest couple. However, it didn't work out at all. I was half way around the world when I was dumped. That's not cool. I couldn't show emotion either because I was in a Cinnabon on a marine base. Fun times. I've digressed.

Why am I comparing what I'm doing now to what I've done in the past. Yes granted I need to remember what has happened so it doesn't happen again. But I've matured greatly as a person from then to now. I guess I'll bring up the topic tomorrow. Wish me luck.

The plan

I got it! I'm going to be the doctor! Boy howdy this is going to be tough. I'm going to check out the USC program soon. (That's University of South Carolina.) I want to do a seamless transition from undergraduate to graduate studies. I may take a break between as an EMT to gain experience. I am hoping the VA will pay for all my education. So the plan now is to go Monday to see if i can talk to an ER doc. Interview my doc. Tuesday and before that I'll call to see if i can sit in a class at MUSC. I'll then have to talk to vocational rehabilitation to see what they need me to do in order for them to pay for my education. And the road turns...

The rest of my life...

I made a choice today that will take my life in a direction that counter the last 2-3 years of my life. I going to take my life down the medical route. I thinking of being, at the least, an EMT or, at most, an ER doctor. I have been going to school be a teacher then a photographer and now this.

Ever sense being medically discharged from the Navy I've been trying to find myself again. It has been a difficult road. I do believe this will be the last major turn in my life for awhile. Things seems to falling into place now.

Hey

Hello world! This is my first foray into the blogging world. So bear with me and my misspelled words and randomness. The general direction I want to take this is my random thoughts. Well i would like to thank you for reading and come back for more.