Love on my level.

I need someone that can love on my level. Let me explain...

I need someone who can love me with the same intensity, more or less, as me. See when I love, I love with all my heart, body, mind and soul. I don't want to say I deserve more or that I can do better because I still love my exes just not as much. For example I would have done anything for them. Now I would but not as much as I would have.

I guess my love scares people off. Like I expect them to love me like I do them. For them to love me with all their being. I don't really expect that. As long as the love is there and it grows. I don't want this to change in me.

Lots on my mind

I'm having a horrible time today. Money relationships and the what nots I got to get focused.

Headache

Yup I have one and it sucks.

Clubbing cont

Ok so I am done for tonight and I got really upset. I don't know exactly why I got upset but I wanted to stab someone. I was standing there and they were having a bacheloette and birthday boodie dance off. The announcer person was on the mic and was encouraging the audience and the dancers. Thats about the time I started to get pissed off. The announcer was being loud and the speakers were in my ear with them being loud it sounded as if the speakers were blown. But all that was in my ear. The wait staff were trying to stuff drinks down my gullet and annoying the HELL out of me.

I may continue this later I don't really know.

Clubbing

Yea so as I type this I am in a club with loud music and louder people. Being a not so social butterfly its very awkward being here. (My brother is dragging me to them so I'm stuck.)

To make things worse he is forcing me to drink. Well sorta... He is buying and what not so I get sucky shots and he's getting the good shit for himself. I guess I'll update ya'll later.

My future is mine.

Today while being a television zombie I watched Scrubs. It happened to be the last two shows ever. It was a very moving last two episodes. I wish I could watch the season in in its entirety. I'll search for it! Ok where are the tracks? Oh there they are!

Well while watching the last episode J.D. is very concerned about his future, as I am sometimes. He tries to figure out; where he will be, how tight his friend and he were going to be, where his relationship with his girlfriend was going to end up. (I think that was a proper use of a semicolon!!!! Yay me!) While dealing with this he had a patient who had a degenerative brain disease in which she will die. She had a son in which could have the same thing and J.D. implores him to get a test to see if he has it too.

The son does not opt for the test. When J.D. asks why the son replies that he wants to be in control of his life and knowing your going to have this disease he couldn't. I guess you'll have to watch the show. Its way better!

At the end J.D. realizes that he can control his future and make things happen and that whatever happens he'll be ok. That hit home to me. It made me realize that I am in control and that I can have a future. Ok I don't think I am making sense. I should have written this when it was fresh in my head and not eight and a half hours later.... Well that is all I got for today.

I guess I can put what I am listening to here too.

311 radio on Pandora may change to Incubus or big band radio...

Question Wednesday

Today I steal a friends question am answer theme. I guess I need to advertise more I have this one to answer yes its late but today is still a day till I go to sleep... So HA!

What is your favourite book or series? -- Chelsea

Well my favorite book would have to be two books. They are Lone Survivor by Marcus Luttrell and When a Bullet Hits Your Funny Bone by Billy Allmon. They are very moving and humorous. Marcus' book is a true story about a SEAL operation that he was on and how he became the only one to come out alive. Billy's book is more humorous but keeps the seriousness of the life of an United States Navy SEAL.

What I like about Marcus' book is that people put their lives on the line not for their personal gains but for the person next to them for people they never met and more for the country. I want to be more like that. I don't feel as if I'm on this earth to be all about me. I want to give back to the community and the country. That is part of the complex reasoning I want to become a doctor. I feel I can give back and help many others by becoming one. In Billy's book its the same thing.

Only in Billy's book I took from it that life is short and I need to get moving no matter what is thrown up in my way. It gave me the motivation to keep up what I am doing. To forge ahead on spite of what the VA tells me. It'll be tough but I'll be tougher, I'll warrior on to get where I want to be.

I tend to read fictional/real war stories those, however, are not really series or fantasy reading. For that I like the Harry Potter books. That is fun stuff to read! I picked up Sorcerer's Stone in like the ninth grade. Yeah a little late but at least I picked it up. Before that I hadn't read anything that I wasn't required to read. I guess it brought to my attention that hey reading is fun! Yeah it did that for me. Who, other than the very few, like reading required material for school? I didn't... That series of books passed many hours in a fantastic land of infinite possibilities. So from there I read many books.

Now next month will be filled with textbooks! Yay! But I kinda like whats coming up for classes. So I should be good! Well that is all for me tonight. Have a good night.

Brother

So my family had a cookout today and I didn't attend. I didn't want to attend. Usually I want to go and attend but today I just didn't. I'm not sure why.

I felt like my family is making a bigger deal of him being home than they have ever done for me. Being in a military family its understandable but hard to deal with. When I got out I didn't really get a homecoming. If I did I don't remember it at all. It is just really hard.

Today was a day!

Yay me! I went to talk to a doctor about becoming a doctor! Well sorta... Leme explain! Yay!

I am a veteran and I am trying to get the VA to pay for all of my school and there is A LOT of it. So I have to go into a veteran vocational rehabilitation office and request that they do this.

Being the government I cannot just get money to go to school. There are many steps to this process. Some of which I don't know and guess will not worry about until I come up upon them.

First they want to make sure that the job that the degree is suitable for me. You know so I don't get a political science degree and try my hand at acting. At first I wanted to do photography. The vocational rehabilitation people did not like that at all. They were always telling me about the market and how I wouldn't get a job after schooling. So I pulled out my second choice of career which is being a doctor. (I'll get into why doctor at a later date.)

In order to do that step they want me to interview or shadow a doctor. To shadow a doctor I must do many other things. There are forms, shots and a patient privacy thing I must go through. I, however, was able to talk to a doctor today and ask some questions and set me on a path that will get me to understand what its like to be a doctor.

So that path is going to be volunteering at the hospital! I think I asked the pertinent questions regarding what the vocational rehabilitation people want for now but I am going to go above and beyond that. I will be able to see what goes on and I guess prove to the vocational rehabilitation people that I want this badly. 

They also want me to look up the job descriptions of a doctor. Why I have no idea... Now I have to get in contact with vocational rehabilitation and tell them whats up. Oh and it took me a month or so to get to talk with a doctor! Fun stuff!

Sleep!

I need it. Good night!

Awkward

How come I'm so awkward with people? I've read that narcissistic people do better in job interviews. Could it be that I'm not narcissistic? I'm not confident either. Asked and answered...

Happiness

Today was a great day! Not a moment lost to sad thoughts. I went to the beach with my brother and his family. Jumped into the Atlantic fully clothed! Well no shoes and wallet safely ashore. Phone came along for the ride into the water. No worries though it's one of them waterproof ones. I'M ON IT RIGHT NOW! The only thing I had to do was get some water of of the ear location. Then in my state of wet sandiness I went to my appointment. Well the one I thought I had. Turned out I didn't have one.... but that's how my day went. How was yours?

Today (yup original)

So today I was talking to someone and they told me this, aim low hit high. Well not those exact words but close to it.

Now I always thought aim high. So if I miss I'd be better off than I was before. For example, aim for Mars so if I miss I hit the moon.

This all about my chosen career field and how tough it will be to get there. Yeah I know I'll have no social life much less a romantic relationship for the 8 years I'll be studying. Possibly 12 with my residency included. Life will be science and medicine with a little studio arts thrown in there.

It also struck me that I'm more of a mechanical thinker and not theory or what ever that type of learner/thinker. I know I can make it of I change all that I need to know into a mechanical way of looking at things. Everything will be changed to cars, pumps and sundry other mechanical things. I may even add in electro mechanical things.

I don't know what the future has exactly in store for me. I do know where I want to be though.

End

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Where would I like to be.

Yeah so yesterday I asked a friend where she would like to be. Now that I have some sleep behind me and I can think straight I will reask the question.

Where would you like to be? Not only in a physical sense but a mental one too.

For me I would like to be at peace in a peaceful world/place. With all the craziness going down all around me I would like to be able to take a pause and have a clear head enjoying myself. With nothing to worry about and nothing to think about.

I don't think I could do that right now. I have so much on my plate. Regular life issues like having no job and going to school to become a doctor. Then there's the issue of the ex. But thats all I'll talk about that.

But to the question... In a peaceful world with a peaceful mind is where I would like to be right now.

Once again I'm here

Yup I'm usually here when I'm sad but I don't know what I feel today. I feel ok most of the time but thoughts of suicide flash through my head like a bolt of lightning. I know I'll never act on those thoughts though. (Lots of th words today.) Also I guess I'll try to write one here once a week. Or more. Maybe less. I don't know.

I think I turned a corner the other day. I remembered a story about my x and I smiled. See I would have thoughts triggered by a place or thing and my first thought would be sad. The other day I was in the bathroom after a shower standing there brushing my hair and a trigger triggered a memory about a brush. Yeah random but this is my story Damn it! Anyway the brush is currently missing. The story goes a bit like this...

When we first started dating we would stay at hotels to get away in our small city. Well after a stay at one of the hotels she had forgotten to pack a brush for her hair and she was kinda in a panic. So we were at the car and i had to check out still so I ran back in to check out.

At this hotel they had a small "oh I forgotten something at home" area. So I  ran (ok more like walked) in there to find a brush. I grabbed the brush and purchased it on the spot.When I got the car I handed her the brush and she was so grateful.

I like to think that I would do anything for the one I love no matter what. (With exceptions like killing xes.) I hope I have not changed because of this break up or the way the relationship went.

The end....