One day

One day I'll be ok with this....

Breakthrough?

Well today.... I've figured that I want to be ok with the end of the relationship. I don't want to forget or bury the memories. If I do that I'll be doomed to repeat history. Not just me anyone who does that. It's still tough. She's emailed me today. About a month after I emailed her last. It wasn't a desperation email either. It was an update on my life. I responded with that update and I guess I'm anxious about the reply. I'm not sure if it's going to set more back in the infection. I'll find out.

Path update

I am going to go for a double major and get an A.S. and an AAS.

Val

Yup so yesterday was Valentine's day. It is not fun being single and without for this day. Glad its the last major holiday that is celebrated. Its not fun having this "infection" going through the holidays...

Path to be

So I went to USC yesterday and figured out the path to doctorhoodness. I found out that I can major in anything I want! Great news because I do not want to learn stuff in a bio major that Jason nothing to do with humans. Plants do not interest me at all. Now to get the VA to pay for my undergraduate studies...

Bug death

I was thinking today about bugs and killing them. Yeah weird so what! But I was thinking do they know existence?

Infected

So it turns out that I am still infected with thoughts of the past. They sneak up on me too. Once I realize I am thinking about the past I try to focus on something else. Primarily trigger squeeze for shooting targets. No the target is not from my past but paper or clays I shoot at the range. I focus on the sighting and then the squeeze. I realize I do the same thing in therapy too.

In the first scenario it helps get my mind off of the thoughts I am having at that moment. It lasts for as long as I'm thinking about shooting. Then I am reset to whats at hand, which is usually driving. I don't focus to the point of distraction from the primary task. But it gets the thoughts out of the way.

For the second scenario I don't know why I do it exactly. Its probably to take me to a comfort zone. I'm not exactly comfortable in my sessions. But thats going to change as of now. It doesn't help that I am not all there all of the time.

If you could would you erase parts of your memory?

I'm on the fence about it. On the one hand I am all for it. The pain wouldn't be there to bother me. On the other I m not. No pain mo gain. Everything that happens to me is a part of me and helps me grow in life.

Lies

I realized the other day that I am lying to the person I don't need to lie to. Need to stop that like now. It's not a person that would mind if I did so its a bad but not bad thing.

Shadow

I want to shadow a physician. No need to for the vocational rehabilitation peeps. However, it is difficult. At Roper I need to know a doc to shadow a doc. Weird... I don't use their facilities so how am I supposed to know a doctor at their facilities?

I also asked the VA themselves but they focus more on the long term. That is not what I want to do. I want to do the emergency thing. I guess thats a no go then.

I still got two options to go to. There is Trident and MUSC. I hope one of them lets me shadow a doctor. I know I'll need a flu shot and a TB shot. Yay shots!

DAMN!

I weigh a freakin lot! My good cholesterol is low and my bad is up. Not cool if I plan on living forever...

So today I vow to get healthy. Kinda like a late resolution but much deeper and more dedicated. Fruit smoothies in the morning. Light oily fish for lunch and dinner I'll figure out. NO MORE FREAKING SODAS! Seriously.

Light jog in the morning. Sunrise on the beach or mid, late-afternoon jog. Just get it in there. Find time and dedication. Well wish me luck!